in wanderlust
by indie misery
Summary: in a span of twenty four hours, Massie gives the hell bound ways of existence one last chance. / massington / August 13' exchange fic for Kayla (k drama queen)


**dedicated to: **Kayla (k drama queen)

**pairing: **Massie/Derrick (Massington)

**prompts: **'summer always brings new adventures', stars, strawberries, summer night (in no specific order)

**a/n: **Sorry that this turned out a little depressing, I realized that and tried to make it more cheerful at the end. Hope you still like it, Kayla.

**disclaimer: **

Lisi Harrison owns the Clique.

Kayla owns the prompts.

I don't own any other companies mentioned.

* * *

**2013**

**August 29****th**

**11:47 pm**

_To Derrick,_

This is supposed to be a suicide note.

In all honesty, I'm not even completely certain I want to do this. August 30th, 11:47 in the evening; the exact day, hour and minute I was born, and the exact time I will die. I'm sorry you have to read this; I know how you get, Derrick. When I'm gone, you will try to forget me. You'll try to erase any memory of my existence and toss any object that reminds you of me. I know you would do that because that's what I would do.

On my birthday tomorrow, I'll try to forget it's the last time I'll see you. Hopefully, it'll be like old times and you won't suspect anything. The plans you arranged are a surprise, but I bet it'll be enjoyable.

Well, as enjoyable as the last day of my life can be.

_Massie_

**2013**

**August 30****th**

**1:25 am**

_To Derrick,_

I should've been asleep an hour ago, but obviously I didn't. I couldn't have, with all these thoughts swirling around in my head. I don't know if you knew, but I actually did find a therapist to talk to a few months back. Nobody knew about it, not even my parents or Isaac, but she did help a little bit. It was oblivious to most people, but when I got home the first thing I would do is look in the mirror. Most of the time, to me, the girl I saw staring back _was_ Massie Block, but she had fat lining every inch of her body. Her face was disoriented, her eyes were startling, she was freakishly pale and she always looked so, so tired. The therapist began to help me see a different side of me, but during my parent's divorce, it all came back. And Derr, it feels horrible thinking you're worthless. I still think that, it never goes away.

But still, I can't help but remember the last 15 years and 364 days of my life; a lot of which I had known you. When we met in fourth grade, I truthfully remembered you as the obnoxious blonde boy who spat in my face during recess.

I still do.

No, I'm kidding. Although the memory _has_ stuck, don't hold it against yourself. It's a needle in a haystack of good times in the past five years I've known you.

I remember you as my first boyfriend. My first kiss. Whom I lost my virginity to. Who helped me through hard times during my parent's divorce. A guide to the light. A distraction from the dark. A reminder that I shouldn't hold what people think against me.

That all helps, it does. But unfortunately it isn't enough. Day after day I still struggle; I get home and take off my strong outer shell to reveal a sensitive and raw side of me. You're the only one who knew about the slightest bit of my vulnerability, but I still go through the day, surrounded by people who pretend to care about me, but alone. Sometimes, I'm even convinced that's you too. I try to think that isn't true, though.

You have to understand that there is absolutely 0% of a way this is your fault. You're probably the only reason I made it this far.

I'll write to you later, but I hear my mom walking around across the hall, and don't feel like suffering through her "Why are you up at 1:30" rage.

Till morning,

_Massie_

**2013**

**August 30****th**

**8:54 am**

_To Derrick,_

It seems I have a horrible judgment of time. I finished getting ready a half hour ago, and still have 36 minutes until you pick me up for our surprise date, which I'm sure you thought of something great for.

This is probably a good time to mention what I should say to other people; I do surprisingly have a life besides you.

Tell Alicia that, besides only caring about her popularity and being a selfish bitch most of the time, she did remind me that it does mean something to be cautious. As much as we don't want to think it, we are what people see us as. So, Rivers, I'm sorry if I brought you down in your hunt for a good status. She doesn't have to worry about me anymore.

Tell Dylan that she helped distract me from all the bad things in my life, and teaching me not to take everything so seriously. Also, thank her for introducing me to Ben & Jerry's Phish Food Ice Cream. That stuff is pure heaven. And I'm sorry for all those stupid fat jokes I used to make. I know how they feel now.

Tell Kristen that without her, I would be (well, permanently) expelled from OCD by now. She also helped me in more ways than she knows. I'm sorry if I was a rich whore to you, Kris. If it's any consolation, you weren't a poor loser to me. You never were.

Tell Claire that she was the kindest to me (other than you). Never have I met someone so caring and down to earth. I'm sorry that I'm taking a friend from her, if she even thought of me as a friend. But I promise that she won't break; Cam will make sure of it. I know it.

Finally, I'm sorry to my parents. Mom, I hope you enjoyed the Vanity Fair party you left at 6 in the morning for. You were planning on celebrating tomorrow, so my apologies for ruining those. And Dad, that week long trip to Japan better have been worth it.

As I write, you're ringing the doorbell, so I'll end this here. I'm sorry for the small tear stains up there.

_Massie_

**2013**

**August 30****th**

**2:24 pm**

_To Derrick,_

The thing I'm going to miss most about my life is the concerts you brought me to. Do you remember the first one, the Muse show?

It was the nicest _summer night_ you could imagine; the kind where all you want to do is open the windows and make air waves and blast great music and sing. So that's what we did. It was a 4 hour road trip, but it was worth it. When we got there (nearly front row seats), it was the perfect size crowd, and that was the first time you saw me dance. It was dreadful dancing; it could be described as me gracelessly throwing up my arms and spinning, but I was happy. And even though I was the most horrid dancer on the planet, you kissed my cheeks, told me I was a wonderful dancer, then said I was beautiful. At the end of the night, we loaded back up in your old Mini Cooper and drove off.

You always told me that, "_Summer always brings new adventures_." But unfortunately, all adventures, especially the hellish ones, come to an end.

_Massie_

**2013**

**August 30****th**

**5:05 pm**

_To Derrick,_

I only have a small amount of time, as you are out preparing for the picnic you planned. Thank you, for this incredible birthday date.

I didn't think you remembered all these anniversaries and firsts, and their locations, but you did. So first, you brought me to where we first met, at the soccer field during the game. Then, to our first date spot. Remember, you tried so hard to impress me? You bought chocolate covered _strawberries_ and reserved a time at an expensive restaurant. There were so many other places you took me to, today, and I'm surprised you didn't forget them all.

_Massie_

**2013**

**August 30****th**

**8:41 pm**

_To Derrick,_

I'm currently lying on my bed, eating a coconut popsicle, listening to Paramore, and having no idea what to do for the approximate 3 hours left of my life.

Please know that I don't mean this to be a selfish act. I had been thinking about suicide for a while, and I feel strangely calm about it. I know it's a horrible thing to do, and that I'm probably overreacting about my problems, but they feel so real to me. Sometimes I think I'm weak for giving up, but in reality, I'm strong for lasting this long in a messed up world.

Truth is, the school doesn't care about me. They all hate me; they think I'm some bitch who only gives a damn about myself. I believe it once in a while, too.

In my eyes though, if you would give your life for someone else's you were worth it. If you would give your life for someone else's, you aren't a selfish bitch, right? And that's what I'm doing, giving my life for yours. I'm only bringing you down, Harrington. Your parents hate me, and there's no point in denying it. They want you to date a Kristen Gregory, a girl with perfect grades and perfect everything. Not a messed up girl who goes to a therapist and cuts and cries themselves to sleep while lying on the porch staring at the _stars_.

With my reputation, people automatically aim to find my mistakes and flaws. People don't go around saying 'Massie looks pretty', they try to prove me wrong and talk about how much they hate me. Don't try to deny it, you know it's true.

I'll write back to you in a couple hours; as I can't think of anything more to say. I will then, I promise.

_Massie_

**2013**

**August 30****th**

**11:45 pm**

_To Derrick,_

Two minutes.

As in I have two minutes left to live. Two minutes to tell you everything I'm thinking. Two minutes to make up for what I'm going to do.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to die from overdose instead of bleeding to death. I figured, it'll be hard for you either way, but maybe knowing I'm dying without any pain will lessen your hurt. Of course, I won't actually be dead at 11:47. Judging by the amount of pills I'm taking, I should be gone within an hour.

But also, I could still save myself. My decision is made, but if something life-changing comes and changes my way of thinking in the next 120 seconds, I'll still be here for you to see tomorrow. Obviously though, if you're reading this, that small sliver of hope failed.

The pills are resting on the bed sheet right next to me, which I'm sitting criss-cross applesauce next to; I'm too weak to look at them.

**11:46 pm**

There's a lot of things I didn't apologize about to you. I'm sorry that I'm taking myself away from you. I'm sorry that you have to read this, if you even decided to. I'm sorry if you can't take it, which is exactly what I fear will happen.

So promise me something, Derrick James Harrington.

After I'm gone, you'll stay strong. You'll find someone else that you love, and who loves you as much as I loved you. You'll get over me. You'll help everyone else get over me. You'll start a new life with the new girl you love. You'll remain with her. You'll take her to concerts. You'll watch her dance. You'll tell her she's beautiful. And then, you'll grow old with her.

Don't worry, though. A long time from now, I'll see you again.

If you don't believe me, do you remember how we used to make promises to each other?

(I have 10 seconds until I down the pills.)

(They are in my hand.)

(The water is in my hand.)

(5 seconds.)

(4.)

(3.)

(I'll bring myself to fall asleep right after I swallow them. 2 seconds.)

(1.)

**11:47 pm**

I'll see you again.

Pinky Swear.

_Massie _

**2013**

**September 6****th**

**4:40 pm**

_To Massie, _

Hey, Block.

After long hours of searching, I finally found your letters in your lockbox under your bed. All seven of them; some long, some short. They scared me.

When your mom came home early, around midnight, she found you in your bed and lying peacefully. She immediately knew something was up; you never fall asleep earlier than 1, especially on your birthday. So she felt your pulse.

I'm happy to tell you, Massie, that your plan failed. You're alive and I'm sitting next to you right now, writing this. After Kendra found you, an ambulance was called right away and they saved you. She called Claire and I. But you're okay, Block. You weren't always but you are now.

When you woke up, they put you in the hospital to help you. Sometimes you forget things after you awake from sleeping, but I'm trying to help. I tell you everyday what happened. In case I'm not there and you cant remember:

Your name is Massie Block. You're 16 years old. You have chocolate brown hair and amber eyes. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met. Your best girl friend is Claire Lyons. Your best guy friend is Cam Fisher. I love you. I think you love me. A week ago you tried to commit suicide. But you were found in time and you're safe. I'll keep you safe. You're still sick but you're getting better. You promised you would see me again one day. You didn't have to because you're alive.

It's scary sometimes when you wake up and don't know where you are; sometimes you forget who I am and that's the worst. You always remember soon, though. I hope the day when you don't recall everything never comes.

I haven't slept in two days, and you keep begging me to, so I'll get some rest. If you wake up before me, read this and remember, okay love?

You'll get better. But you're safe.

Pinky swear.

_Derrick_

* * *

**Hope you liked it, Kayla! **

**Review please (:**

**-Lily**


End file.
